Monster

At night I turn into a monster. I don’t think this is the first time this has happened. I don’t think it happens all the time. I can’t put my finger on why.

It’s like the night draws in and my brain switches to a bad mood instantly. I begin to get irritated by everyone. I begin to see other people and their behavior as malicious and unacceptable. I begin to have arguments in my own head with me telling other people exactly how I feel. Except… It’s not how I feel… Is it?

The feeling is sometimes, but definitely not always, there in the morning. Sometimes it’s different but mostly in the daytime I find rational reasons to things.

Maybe this is a side of my depression. Maybe this is just me. I’m not sure. I wish I could sleep on it except that I want to go to bed around 8 and B goes to sleep then too. It’s not that I don’t want to go to bed at the same time, he just hates my ‘calm me down’ routine that I do when I’m down. The low frequency noise, the hot water bottle, the repeats of whatever shit tv show I’m watching, the tossing and turning until I find a position where every part of me is comfortable and I’m not going to be twitched awake by the duvet or my hair brushing against my skin. So, I either go to bed with him and fidget until he falls asleep, or I wait down here and hope I make it to bed before the monster in my head appears.

Tonight I chose to wait downstairs. Unfortunately, I waited too long.