Clean

4 months. I just had to mark the day. It’s been 4 months.

I didn’t decide to come clean. I didn’t want to. It just.. happened. I went one weekend then another then another. I’ve been drunk. I’ve been on all nighters drinking. Watched the sun rise, wasted the following day in a daze then slept a solid 12 hours. No headache. I always thought it was just the drugs that were the reason I could stay up all night.

Maybe they’ve they’ve put some kind of chemical in alcohol that keeps you up, to keep you drinking longer, to stave off the urge to get a kebab and a kip so that pubs can make more money out of you. Either way, one of my biggest initial draws to stimulants was to keep the party going so I didn’t feel I was missing out. Doesn’t seem to be necessary anymore.

Either way. There’s 4gs of assorted baggies in various places in the house. A liquorice all sorts collection, if you will. I got into the locked cupboard when he wasn’t looking and took it all. I think he thinks I went out on one last bender and used it all up. I haven’t. It’s just sitting there. Just in case.

This might be a clean start. This might be a break. If it’s a break, it’s the longest one I’ve had in about 5 years.

My last come down was also one of my worst. Not the immediate come down. That was fine. Like normal. A ball ache of a week doing a fun combo of meph n coke with a bit of MD splashed in. Not for any particular reason other than we had bits n pieces laying around to be used. It happens. People turn up with contributions to parties that get left or we buy and then don’t use it all. It’s the drug equivalent of bubble and squeak the day after a Sunday roast . No the comedown was fine. But the aftermath was like I’ve never felt before. I put this in my first ‘clean’ post back in January. My body took a beating from every angle.

Maybe I’ve finally realized this can’t carry on.

I’m not saying never. I’ll never say never. I never never have and never never will say never (you’re allowed to say it if you mean it enough to say it twice).

I don’t even know why I don’t take it with me when I go out. I could. I just.. haven’t.

I’m still not well. My metabolism has slowed so I’ve put on a lot of weight. Not helped by the fact I have much less energy and I’m content to just sit at home eating pizza and watching TV whilst chatting to my mates.

I need to lose weight. For several reasons. One of them being that if I got on it again at this weight, my heart would probably give up. What’s a worse way to die than drug induced heart attack because Im hefty? That would just be embarrassing.

Not for my mum. She always said my weight or my addictions would be the death of me. Both together? She’d be laughing.

Nope. Can’t give her the satisfaction. I’ll just have to lose weight and stay off the drugs until I do. Good enough reason no?