Where’s the line between ‘hidden agenda’ and ‘lie’? Disputing the Theory of Mind deficit.
I recently applied for a job where the supportive line manager asked how I would describe my challenges. I said ‘I struggle when adults aren’t direct or upfront’ and she changed it to ‘struggles to understand hidden agendas’. I just nodded along at the time thinking she had used the more ‘appropriate phrasing’ for the form. But it got me thinking.
I’ve done a lot of reading on the ethics of lying (mixture of self interest and self study for masters) and the general consensus is that lying is wrong unless it’s a white lie. But the concept of the ‘white lie’ is disputed due to the subjectivity of the liar making assumptions about the lied-to.
Lying is everywhere. Not outright lies. I can see those as much as the next person. But the lies by omission. The indirect ways people communicate for their own benefit.
The person who asks lots of questions quickly, only interested in the words when you eventually slip up on a phrase that resolved their cognitive dissonance. Instead of saying ‘I ‘m unsure how to trust you, let’s work on that’.
The person who makes suggestions instead of states their expectations and then gets annoyed when you don’t follow.
The person who doesn’t share information that you’ve communicated would be useful, to achieve some private intent, or to avoid accountability for something.
None of these are white lies. They are all deliberate acts of deception for individual gain.
All of these things happen in this job and have done in many others. There’s no real way to ‘manage’ it in her role other than encourage people to be up front and tell the truth.
The problem is, I don’t think a lot of people are capable of it.
A common ‘deficit’ (I use the term loosely) for autistic individuals is supposedly Theory of Mind. But I disagree. I can understand another’s mind. Possibly better than other people I know, because I don’t have the inherent relatability skills. But I can EXPLAIN my own mind. Where others cannot. I can be accountable to the tasks I do because I do them properly. I don’t need to lie about my intentions to others unless they’re dying and I want to give them peace.
I don’t agree with the theory of mind tests. Asking people to guess what another person knows based upon an observation of a situation seems trite. How can anyone know what anyone knows unless you ask them? I think this shows higher order thinking. As individuals who don’t pass theory of mind tests are saying ‘i cannot know what that other person knows, I only know what I know’.
Nicely summed up by a child with an IEP who didn’t know very well, responding to something by telling me in a quizzical tone “I don’t know, I can’t say If I don’t know, what’s the point in that?”. I thought that child had made a most pertinent statement.
In reality, it doesn’t stand up, either. People are not really very good at detecting lies. Autistic or not. Another’s reality is really only true as far as they can convince you it’s true.
People make short cuts on understanding by making guesses based on the behaviour of the person in front of them and matching it to social norms they are familiar with. But then counter that by keeping their guessing hidden and manipulating conversation to try and make their guesses more accurate. Many go as far as to deliberately avoid others knowing their mind.
What with people moving about a lot and people with different beliefs mixing together, this strategy seems archaic. I still think open communication is far more concise way of finding out what you need. And I’ve made it to the top of the scale in a very relationship-centered role.
So, back to the hidden agendas. I don’t think I’d struggle any more than another to understand. I just don’t rely on little banks of social rules, maybes and suggestive comments; I am direct. I don’t trust anyone and make sure my own communication is clear to avoid misunderstanding. If someone else doesn’t, i don’t see it as my responsibility to guess what someone is trying to get at. In my head I use the same phrase I use with children, “choose your words”. If there’s a misunderstanding, that’s down to them.
It’s not an issue in my personal life, or with children. Only at work and with adults. But then children, and the people I care about, tend to be more direct anyway.
So, really, I feel like changing my employment record from ‘struggles to understand hidden agendas’ to ‘has high expectations of communication and low patience for people who don’t ‘.
FaerieFalls 