Networking and autism.

Networking is the bane of my career. I used to think I just didn’t understand it. I thought maybe it was fear and anxiety and all sorts of things.

Now I think differently.

It might not apply to everyone, but this is how I see it.

The premise is fine: keep in touch with people in your line of work to share knowledge/skills, keep up with trends, hear about jobs. All sounds fine.

The problem is, I don’t like people. And I’m not very good at hiding it.

I don’t begrudge making useful contacts, but people don’t seem to like just being ‘useful’, they also want to be liked. And I just don’t like most people.

That’s not to say I’m not friendly. I am approachable and talkative. I don’t have to like someone to put on my smile and make the best of a situation that I’m already in.

But I have to like someone to take any interest in them that isnt surface conversation. I also need to like them to remember anything about them.

Both of these traits are quite obvious to anyone I do not like who I am trying to pretend I do.

And herein lays the problem with networking for me.

People don’t want to keep in contact with people they don’t think like them. Even if it’s useful for work purposes.

I don’t really think this is a -me- problem. Why is it my fault people have such sensitive egos that they need the ego brushing before they will give over the goods?

Why can’t people just share?

They say autistic individuals struggle with looking at global information and instead focus on the local.

I feel this a lot of the time. But on this occasion, I’m not so sure.

I can see the bigger picture just fine. The benefits of professionals sharing practise and experiences is not lost on me. I just don’t see the need for the foreplay.

I’ve tried various methods of networking. I’ve joined Facebook groups. On one I would comment on things actively when I felt I had something to say, but such blunt inclusion was not well received, one person actually commented ‘who are you?’. I’d answered the validation questions to join so someone had seen I was who I said I was to let me in to begin with, I hadn’t seen the need to further introduce myself. When I later asked a question myself, nobody responded, when I asked why, someone privately messaged suggesting I would get more people to answer if I joined in more to conversations. The conversations were usually small talk and I had no interest in them.

I have tried making 1-1 connections with other professionals. But between ‘chats over coffee’ and micromeets on Teams, it became apparent an awful lot of time was spent talking about themselves in a non professional capacity. Which would have been fine, if I was interested in the person, except I wasn’t and my memory wasn’t so good for people I wasn’t interested in.

I tried note taking in meetings but one bright spark was talking about her kid and frowned at me asking what I was writing down, when I explained I was writing facts about her so I could remember, she went quiet and shortly after excused herself. I tried recording my meetings but that added an extra layer of writing up afterwards that I had to fit into an already busy schedule.

I followed a couple of people on twitter and one day I met one of them. I had mentioned to a mutual friend that I followed them and they introduced me. They asked my name to ‘follow me back’, I laughed and said there was nothing to follow as I don’t post anything on twitter. What followed was an awkward 20 minutes of standing next to people talking as if I wasn’t there.

I use social media. But im a lurker. I read and watch and comment. I learn from others but I’m not great at teaching that way.

I don’t show myself through social media. I don’t present myself or advertise myself. If someone wants to learn from me, I’d rather they came and watched me. I’m good at real life. Social media is too impersonal for me.

Wording things is actually quite hard for me. This blog is the only place I actively present myself. And it’s a therapy to me. I don’t know if It actually helps people. But the anonymity makes it easier. Presenting myself as myself is much more daunting.

Even groups specifically for autism individuals or neurodivergent individuals aren’t really what I’m after. The focus seems to be on autism. And perhaps that’s not always what I’m after when discussing professional issues.

In a work environment, I talk, I discuss, I go to meals, make friends and care about people. But my profession (like many in the field/s I’ve chosen to be involved in) involves moving about a lot and I am no good at keeping in contact. Away from the daily connection of working in the same place, I lose touch.

I don’t really know how best to keep in touch. Random ‘how are you?’ messages eventually get left unread. Random professional interest links/info the same. It seems people want the conversation. But I’m terrible at conversation online that isn’t about a specific subject or to a specific person. I haven’t always been this way. When I was younger I was ‘always online ‘ but when you’re a young pretty girl with opinions, people overlook the strange social skills.

Now I’m a 30 something was-pretty woman, my strange social skills are becoming a barrier. I brought this up with a friend once and she said ‘i think most people grow up and there are certain ways that they expect a grown up to behave, you don’t behave that way so they are confused, the easy answer that doesn’t require them to think is that you just haven’t grown up.’ insightful friend.

So you see, I’m happy to network for professional reasons, it’s the social bit that’s expected that I fall on, and It’s infuriating, stressful and tiring.