Dear Gothboy

Don’t look back.

I never did.

Days. Weeks. Months. Years.

You were a memory. A story of my past.

I didn’t forget. I just. Lived.

I lived when you didn’t. Because of that, we didn’t have anything in common anymore.

I remembered something today. When something didn’t sit right, you always used to say “it’s not what they do say, it’s what they don’t, that tells you everything”.

You and your stupid phrases. I can still hear you smiling down my neck bone. I learned to human best from a drunken messed up teenager. Who became an addict with nothing but a guitar. Who died. Over WHAT?

I never used to ask. Always treated your death like just another experience. But maybe it’s in what I didn’t say, that tells me everything? I didn’t ask. I jumped a step.

You see. That phrase sat in my head for an hour. And you knew how my mind wandered to twelve different scenarios at the same time. You knew how much energy it took me to make sense of it. More important things to do than address it. You weren’t there to make me.

Well now I have to. Now I have to address it. You know why.

Since then I’ve started to look at what people don’t say. Some of my friends have risen to this challenge. They say everything. In words and body language. But not aggressive. Not even passive aggressive. Just expressive.

Some of my friends are great.

I’m Lucky to have the friends I do. Even if having them all in the same room at the same time seems so delightfully interesting 🙄 I’ve never once attempted it.

Plenty of people don’t have such a luxury of sound friends. Even if they aren’t close ones. Because. Life.

A lot. Failed to make the cut. That’s okay though. I’ll make new friends. There’s a whole world of people at my fingertips. But I want to learn a bit more about me, first. I’m enjoying this. Looking into what I didn’t say. What truths I needed to learn about myself. It’s ugly. But I feel better each morning I wake up.

Look at you, still having an impact on my life choices, when you’ve been dead over a decade. And you weren’t that great to begin with. But you deserved a mention for that, at least. 🙄 Oh and “we give dogs treats that look like sticks, then shout at them for chewing on sticks…”… So there’s that.

Hope you’re enjoying yourself.

You sanctimonious piece of shit.