“Just be yourself”

I used to listen to music in the early hours of the morning. And then they turned the internet off.

I used to make music with anything I could find. And then they took the instruments away because I wouldn’t learn scales.

I used to paint to let out my creativity. And then they told me not to waste paper.

I used to draw to show what was in my mind. And then they told me not to doodle.

I used to talk all the time because I wanted to practise what others found so easy and natural. And then they told me to be quiet.

I used to sleep a lot because the world made me tired. And then they screamed at me until I got up.

I used to talk to people I didn’t know so I felt less alone. And then they called the police and told me it was for my safety.

I used to bite my nails to stim. And then they covered them in gel that made me sick.

I used to stand under a cold shower to regulate. And then they turned the water off.

I used to enjoy trying different foods in my mouth so that when I had to eat something, I knew what it would feel like. And then they locked the cupboard.

I used to eat when I was hungry. And then they told me I had to wait until meal times that they chose.

I used to laugh when things got difficult. And then they shouted at me for finding it funny.

I used to spend hours exploring and building imaginary worlds. And then they took away the toys and told me to get into the real world.

I used to immerse myself in games. And then they took away the console.

I used to dance when I felt like it. And then they took pictures and made me dance in front of others.

I used to walk in the middle of the night when I couldn’t sleep. And then they locked the doors.

I used to write with both hands to keep my attention on my task. And then they forced me to write with one.

I used to get lost looking out the window. And then they told me to stop daydreaming.

I used to bake in the sun for hours to feel the heat soothe me. And then they gave me the wrong factor cream so I would burn to ‘teach me a lesson’.

I used to respond with indignation when my needs weren’t met. And then they responded with anger and met even less of them.

I used to lose myself in books and stories, reading from start to finish. Then they interrupted me and told me the books can wait.

I used to put my headphones on to drown out the world. And then they got annoyed when I wouldn’t respond.

I used to cry when things were too much. And then they responded with ridicule.

I used to ask questions. And then they told me to do as I was told.

So I used to drink and take drugs to make myself stop feeling. To dull my senses. And then… then people wanted to know me. Then my words weren’t too much. Then my ideas were interesting. Then my laughter was attractive. Everything else wasn’t important anymore. I was addicted to not feeling like a failure.

Now when people tell me to be myself, I tell them how that worked out the first time.