Lying my way from You.

The weather is turning. There’s condensation on the tops of cars in the evening. My mind is changing, too.

I no longer feel a pang of jealously imaging people at creamfields. I’ve had to take some time out of life. I needed it. Having my social life taken away in August of 2020 was a necessary learning curve in my life.

I needed to learn to stand on my own two feet. I’m kidding myself if I think I’ve been doing that. I’ve been lucky. I’ve put myself in harm’s way enough times and got out of it, to have some good stories. I let one thing lead to another. I let the roll of a dice decide my path long before that was a thing.

On the surface, faking smiles when inside I wanted to scream. Faking casual indifference when inside my mind is playing havoc at seemingly innocuous situations. I copied confident people. Their attitudes, their outfits. If I could just show people on the outside that I was confident, people would think I was like them. I never got close enough to people to see their real side. Their vulnerabilities. Only partners, and they fell short of my standards everytime. Including you. But you bothered me the most because I let you in the most I’ve ever let a human in. I didn’t have many friends.

My cocky confidence won me what I now realise were mostly frenemies. An assortment of people looking at me with the jealousy I get when I look at someone I think has it all together. My autism only showed when I was around these people alone. It was sad. I felt uncomfortable alone with all of my friends unless drink was involved.

So of course I lay too much at my partner’s feet. You didn’t see me around my family much, you missed out on the side of my in my comfort zone.

Back to my changed mind; I don’t see myself the same way anymore. I am beginning to realise who ‘me’ is. I started this journey a long time ago but I’ve just been through the big hairy tragedy. The person I played on the outside can’t act right now. The person you think I am is crumbling and the real me is coming out.

That person who is wild and carefree. She is still in me. But she’s running on empty. This is what that looks like. People who know me and people who don’t, can see I’m not mentally stable. They can see I’m not of sound mind. They are correct.

When I’ve got security behind me and a good social life, and loving partner who respects me and I’m happy as Larry. Take those things away (and those things were all taken away at the same time) and I am a bit unhinged.

But to admit that would be admitting i am mentally unstable. You would throw me to the wolves. But as soon as I claw my way back to humanity and you see my success, you will claim I never cared enough about you to suffer much. I can’t win.

Then realise why I can’t win. I have to stay away from you. I’m holding you back. When I have nightmares of the people you provoked jealousy in me over, I think of how they could expand your life. I did my part. I gave you my security so you could thrive. I have nothing else to give you. I have given you all the support a mother should. Handled your mood swings, your domestic needs, tantrums the lot. It’s time for you to go play with someone exciting because mama bear needs to go take a nap.

I feel foolish I allowed you to do this to me, even though I know you needed to. Maybe we could have let this go on a bit longer..but we were only prolonging the inevitable. I would never forget your disrespect and you would never forget mine, even though you caused it, except nobody believes that because of the lies you’ve spread and I am isolated, you isolated me… I can see it, though. I broke the cycle that so many get stuck in. I am strong. I don’t feel strong. I am a mess..but I’m such a calculated and calm way that nobody understands. I don’t feel strong at all.

I’m not lying anymore about who I am.. I know all about me. Can you say the same?