I see time differently. Time passes differently depending on how I’m experiencing it, being aware of it passing can cause me stress. I cannot predict how I will feel so I operate in two modes: aware of time and not. When I’m aware, I generally keep an eye on the time, keep a track of my movements and address how long things might take depending on how I’m experiencing time that day. Of course this can go well, with activity after activity successfully being completed with time to spare. It can also be a challenge, where my timing is out, I get frustrated meeting deadlines or assigning time restraints to tasks I hate feeling like I’m timed, or that I have some place to be by a certain time because if I’m not in the right headspace for it, I will have to factor in extra time. Something that takes 10 minutes one day, takes an hour the next but IT FEELS EXACTLY THE SAME. So when I can, I remove that stress from my life by just checking out of observing time, sometimes for 24 hours sometimes for a week. But always outside of work. My choice, right?
I am great at anticipation, but only when I know what to expect. If what you’re expecting me to do is read between the lines, you better hope I have me a set of line guides. But seriously, expectation is way off the mark, in every aspect of life. The sad sad truth is, nothing is what I expect in my job right now (even before Covid, supplying is NOTHING like teaching or teacher training). And nothing is explained to me. I plan a day just to find out at 5 minutes to 9 that I’m going to be in a different class. To expect me to anticipate the movements and intentions of people who do not consult me on changes that directly effect me, is quite a leap. Yes plenty of people do, but is it RIGHT? I mean, this sort of one way respect is called abuse in other aspects of our society so why should my employer expect to behave like an abusive partner? It just leads to anxiety and nervous breakdowns, not success.
I’ve been working as a supply teacher for three years now and I’m in yet another school where people don’t know me personally. They don’t know my ways, my communication preferences, my habits and routines. More to the point, they don’t ask. They communicate as and when they need to. I am a cog in the machine. They expect me to pick up on cues and made decisions that suit them, without considering the best way to express what they need from me. When mistakes are made, they deal with it themselves then let me know as an afterthought. As if my mistakes are just a tally chart, rather than an opportunity for growth.
This lack of understanding hits me in every aspect of life. My landlord doesn’t give me timely notice of access to my property because he arrives outside of school hours and therefore thinks he has done the thinking for me and ascertained that there is no reason in his mind why it wouldn’t be acceptable to knock the door. He doesn’t understand that I just need some time to prepare my brain for an extra human to interact with. When he needs access and I ask for a time, he questions why. Family assume I’m working from home and therefore must be able to answer the phone without asking if I want to talk on the phone. My partner knows I’m home more and assumes that means I will take on the bulk of the home making without asking me what I want to do with my spare time.
I have to be honest. If the staff in schools, who are trained to adjust their teaching and communication methods to address diverse needs, cannot practice what they preach to their own staff, no matter how temporary, how confident are you that they can do it for children? I’m a fully grown adult in a school rife with social and emotional challenge, and I keep missing the mark, I can’t get my point across, I keep making mistakes. Nobody helps and nobody tries to communicate better with me when mistakes are made. What on earth must it be like for a child?
FaerieFalls 