Control

I have had issues with control my entire life. I know now that this is a lot more related to my childhood than me. One parent who acted like a child and another who avoided as much as he could. One parent who would try to micro manage my every move and one parent who said nothing until I crossed a boundary he knew full well I couldn’t identify, and would then explode.

My teens and early twenties were full of out of control activities that I had full understanding and control over. Giving me a sense of freedom and a personality of ‘risk taker’ that really wasn’t true. I wasn’t a risk taker as such. I liked taking risks I could control. Or risks where someone else took control. I felt like I needed to learn to find peace in chaos.

After years of this, losing one friend to heroin induced suicide and another to cocaine induced, I finally ended up with my ex. In a clean ikea 2 up 2 down showhome. Everything matched and everything could be tidy and neat. Just like my ex. Predictable and tidy.

I was restless. I craved the danger after a year.

So I ran.

I ran to Scotland. Where I could be out of control again, but on my own terms. I was validated in my response. Everything I fucked up the first time round, I was going to do better this time. I controlled my spending so that my erratic work pattern worked for me. I gave the world my best side and people liked that. People made my life easier because they liked me. I made friends. Actual friends who let me live with them, invited me out to places. More than that, the things I wanted to do were possible. I wanted to go to a festival so I did. I wanted to get wasted and have my friends round so I did.

Roll on to my life now. I am in an abusive relationship with my employer. That’s more metaphorical than literal. It’s taking over my life. Making me a shadow of myself according to my mum. My employer doesn’t give me the information I need to do my job properly, but expects the job to get done nonetheless. My employer puts me in a position five days a week where I am always getting sick, but only pays me sick pay for three because the extra two are classed as optional shifts (even though the work is usually available). My employer gives me no control over where I work, what classes I teach. I don’t have my own desk, or school, or place to call my own and give my own identity. I am rarely placed long enough to make friends (this one’s a personal set back of sorts as I see work and friendship as two separate entities and I struggle to combine the two very quickly).

I have a boyfriend who doesn’t speak. He offers surface communication, when necessary. But he’s not interested in my thoughts, feelings, hopes or fears, or takes little effort to communicate that way with me.

How does anyone feel safe like this?

I need control. I always have. Even when my life has been out of control, it’s been within MY level of capabilities, which as most people remind me, are vast.

I need it because I was not given control as a child. From the simple situations my mum micromanaged or offered her unwanted opinions on, to some terrifying traumatic personal and environmental experiences.

I’ve matched a need for control with a thirst for knowledge and an aptitude for learning. And they go together nicely. The more I know, the more I can control.

I don’t want control over another, just some control over my own life would be grand. Most people know how to identify environmental controls, but social controls that are not actively manipulative, are harder to pick out . In a relationship that is the predictability bit. The reliability of someone. On what level does my experience of them teach me that I can I trust them. If the other person is reliable in ways that match my needs then I have control over how I feel about situations, because my needs are being met. In a friendship this is much the same, just with different ways and different needs.

So I love someone whose love language doesn’t include reliability in the same way. Whose close female connections have been explosive at worst and awkwardly unrewarding at best. I’m away from the why. I could ponder the why until the cows come home and none of it would result in my partner not loving me. I just don’t think he enjoys how hard work that love is.

I don’t even want to fix it. I’m just patiently waiting for him to show a sign either way about what he wants from me. And all I see is a man who is so used to rejection and negative projection that he does it himself. A man who has grown up being told he is small and thus will overthink this in his darkest moments when he’s shown this to be true (it’s true for us all, we are all failing in some way) and lash out the only way he ever knew how. I see a man who has never found order in his chaos, and perhaps is starting to fantasize that no order exists and has given up looking for ways. I see a man who has is spontaneous and driven to take on new challenges. But a man who accepts his challenges as challenges because he doesn’t know how to make them less challenging. I see a man who doesn’t believe there is anything wrong with this behaviour or that he needs any help.

I don’t want to fix him. He is his own man. But knowing he cant be relied upon to speak to me or about me with respect because of these things I see, is making it hard for me to trust him. Without trust, I have no control over my emotions to do with him. Without that control, I am lost. Not in the world. Not in life. But in my relationship sometimes. That leads to me being on guard around him and self absorbed. I’m protecting myself from him.

My inability to communicate with my partner about feelings is effecting my ability to address the right changes. We all need to improve at things, but need support and guidance and some control over the situation. My partner doesn’t offer support and guidance and doesn’t offer me the ability to control. He won’t address any issues and leaves it all with me.

My nan used to say “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference”.

It’s a good moral to follow, but leaves no guidance for weakness or ignorance, which we all have. So if someone else’s weakness or ignorance is vastly different from mine, it’s going to be a long road.

If I could let go control, this would be so much easier, I’d be less sensitive to all the mistakes. But i’d also be broke, my career potential would be reduced, and I would be drunk or depressed way more. Is that what I want either?

Or I could leave. Exit stage right. Onto the next adventure. More emotionally aware man. Which he could be if he wanted to be. But maybe my own need for control needs to know that answer from him.

I know my answer is enveloped in fear. Fear of not being valued. Will he work on my fear of not being valued, whilst I work on his fear of being let down? Will my employer suddenly see the attachment challenges I’ve overcome with children? Will they see the potential in me to do my job well under conditions where I have more control? Will any of my efforts get me anywhere or will another year go by and see me still sat on supply, with no course offers, no permanent job offers and a sea of disappointment to face in my immediate family?

Maybe exit stage right needs to be explored more. If not for this year, then an easy get out for next. Who knows who I’ll meet or where I’ll go. It will be back to renting rooms and living out of a suitcase. I’d have to sell or store all my non essentials again. Choose a few outfits and kiss goodbye to the rest. The very thought fills me with overwhelm and I know I won’t be able to do it without medicinal help. I’ll probably never smoke weed again, the memory of the person who introduced me to it and enveloped my life in it, a fresh open wound. I’ll need to pester the doctors for anxiety meds, amitriptyline would be perfect. One in the morning makes the day float and one in the evening makes the night go smoothly. The only bugger is waking up. But the one thing you can count on being able to get hold of anywhere in the world is some form of coffee in the morning. Necessary to give me the energy to be as sociable as possible so I make friends.

And why would I go back to this lifestyle? After living a daily routine in comfort for over a year? Because at least I would be in control.

Or I could start to learn to live without control…