I used to be that person; the one who didn’t want to know couples who argued all the time.
After growing up with a mum who insisted that, no matter what her bf put her through, she was gonna continue to throw herself into the path of it. Maybe I was a bit biased in my opinions of relationships. Maybe after being passed over by my mum I favour of her partner was, really, the reason I dismissed other couples who go through difficulties.
Over the years, I’ve caught myself cutting people off, not inviting them, not including them.
Now I realise just how damaging it can be.
You are difficult. And you struggle. And you upset me at times. You dismiss me. You think I’m having a go at you when I’m explaining why something you’ve said upset me. I never do it in front of people. Never cause a scene out. But you don’t see that.
Today you snipped at me all morning. You were grumpy because your cold meant you hadn’t slept. I let it slide. You hadn’t wrapped my presents. I let it slide. We had agreed £200. You haven’t spent that much. It’s not the point. But I saw it coming. I only left half your presents in the house. The bigger stuff was in the car. I caught you looking the other week. I had wondered if you were looking because you didn’t think I’d spent 200. I wondered if you would spend the amount you could prove that I had spent. Not because cost matters to ME, but because it clearly matters to YOU.
I may have been right. When you saw me come in with a big bag of presents to wrap yesterday, your face fell. 5 minutes later, you ran out to the shop on the pretence of a ‘few last minute bits’ and came back with two boxes. When I opened the presents this morning, the two boxes together must have cost most of the money. One of them will be going back; a new coffee machine. Mine needs a new pipe. You’ve not bought me a new pipe or fixed the expensive machine that I love because of the sleek design and the flavours, youve bought a cheap coffee machine from B&M that doesn’t mix with any of my other equipment.
I should be greatful. But when someone you live with, who insists that i should ‘know him’ whenever I ask for any help in buying him gifts, buys me such a pointless gift that I don’t want, you have to wonder which ‘put up and shut up’ adult taught me to be “grateful”. Maybe it’s just a way men have oppressed women over the years. Making them feel that you should be ‘grateful’ when the only thought they’ve put into it is the fact money has been spent. No. Sorry. You watched me use it daily for 6 months. Heard me upset when it broke. Listened to me discuss the cost of the new pipe compared to having it sent away and repaired. How can you do all of that, decide to do something else such as buy me a cheap copy (still more expensive than the new pipe), then shout at me for being ungrateful when I politely thank you but remind you i am replacing the pipe on the one I have because the machine cost a lot of money. How can you?
Being in a grump, you refused to say anything nice all morning. I asked you why, you shouted at me that you were tired and to leave you alone. I left you alone. I come back to the room to see you quickly close the laptop on my friends profile picture. I check the history that you know I have access to on my phone, not because I want to check up on you, but because you insist on using my google account. You’ve clicked through her profile pictures. Something caught your eye. You do this a lot, scroll through girl’s profile pictures. I got upset as we were leaving. I asked why were you looking at other girls when the girl you’re supposed to love is right there and you’re dismissing her. you shouted and punched the windscreen. My windscreen. It’s now broken. My windscreen is fucked. It needs a new one.
In the car, you wouldn’t listen. Told me I’d said something 6 times when I hadn’t. I explained it was once and then you go off on one because apparently it seemed like 6. Then when I, remembering the entire conversation, repeated it, you say ‘whatever I’m upset’ and change the subject. I don’t give in. You get more angry that i keep going on. I remind you you’re angry at yourself and that the only reason I’m going on is because is you won’t resolve anything. You scream that you don’t know how to. We drove in silence. Now we are home.
I don’t know what to do. I wish I did. You can just chill in half an hour but I want to go out . I don’t want to sit in on Xmas day on my own.
If I turn up anywhere without you people will assume we have argued again. And it’s really not that black or white. I don’t want my friends to fight him. I don’t want my friends to defend me. I want my people to honestly tell me a way forward. Explain their own situation. Help me decide whether this is worth arguing about or not. The internet doesnt help. The internet is full of idiots. Idiots will tell you what they think without thinking it through. I chose my friends because that’s not what they are like. Yet now I don’t feel I can call on them for advice because they might ghost me.
I hope that the people I ignored for these very reasons except for apology. We all have issues. How we deal with them is strength of character.
FaerieFalls 