It’s Xmas Eve, im in getting quietly stoned with my other half. We are also having wine. I’ve turned down the chance to go out for drinks. So have half my friends it seems. That’s probably why I’m so ok with not being out. I’m not missing out on anything. I know where my close friends are and I know they’re having fun, but I know im happy staying having the fun im having too.
We exchanged cards. We don’t have a tree. We dont have any decorations. I was away just before Xmas and it just didn’t get done. But I’ve realised it doesn’t make a difference. Christmas is about family. He is my family now. My friends are my family too. And I’m content messaging them. Content with phone hugs and video calls on WhatsApp, Snapchat filter competitions and messenger games.
I realised that I was scared of this. Scared of being home and not out at Xmas. From the first year of high school, fresh 11 year old, I’d spend my evenings and nights out with friends. Weekends at the markets in town and the evenings at the German beer tents. As I got older, Xmas was spent in other countries. By the time I got back from traveling to living alone, I had a job in retail. Any person who has ever heard of retail work at Xmas, will understand me when I say I spent Xmas at work. And you know what, I loved it. When I became a teacher, my partner only had time off at Xmas so we went on holiday.
Last year I spent it drunk. So scared of being alone, I ended up with anyone. I was slutty about it too. It wasn’t the best. I was on edge the whole time.
This is nice. This is what it’s about.
Christmas used to bed fun and laughter until my family broke apart. Since then I’ve just filled it. This is the first year I’ve got nothing to do. One set of friends are doing exactly the same as us at another house. Ine friend is at work. One is at home sick but enjoying the solitude at this time of year. A couple are with family. Nobody is sad. Nobody Is out either. Town is dead. I think it’s the times. It’s not age related it’s generation related. Our generation is exhausted and broke. Yeah a few 22 year olds are coming in at the bottom end having only had a few years of fun compared to my 15. I am grateful.
There’s no tree. But there is peace. And happiness. And love. And laughter. And family. And that, is really what this winter holiday js all about to any culture that celebrates it.
FaerieFalls 