You.

This is the first time i’ve forced you to go to bed whilst I sit downstairs. You made a fuss, I knew you would. You gave me that look and that voice that makes me not want to reject you. But you need to learn healthy rejection. It worked. You didn’t shout at me. You didn’t make me feel shit. You acted hurt, but there was a look about you as you were saying it. You weren’t angry, a little disappointed, but not angry at me. I don’t think you were that upset either. I think you calmly saw my point, listened to what I said, just wished it was different. Welcome to compromise.

When we made up yesterday and I still went out with my friends. You didn’t shout, didn’t slump off upstairs or go down the pub on your own. The weather might have made a difference am sure. But you made a lot less of a fuss than I thought you would. I thought I’d come back to you having spruced yourself up, ready to make me feel jealous or unloved, all the things you felt when I rejected you. All the things you felt because you’ve had reason to believe those things in the past. You still do sometimes make me suffer when my decisions don’t put you first. You won’t kiss me if I’ve not wanted to kiss you. You make me pay. Make me feel it. You do it deliberately, maybe you think people always do things like that. Who must you have known in your life to make you think that?

You need to let me make my decisions more. I need to show you that it’s ok for me to not want to put you first all the time. It doesn’t mean I’m going anywhere. You can trust me.

Here’s the result of you not making me feel like shit for this: the result is, I don’t feel like shit. I feel good and happy still, the same way I did before you left the room. Because I’m good and happy, I’ve been able to write. I need to be happy to write.

I’m watching series you don’t like. I’m watching Doctor Who. I’ll rewatch this shit a hundred times. The imagery in art house film and media gets me every time and I love the concepts and how it handles the temporal paradox. Just one example. Watching these shows and things that make me think, energize my brain. I can’t explain the excitement I got, seeing the episode that my brain recalls. I didn’t have to check with you. I didn’t have to think of anything other than my own enjoyment. I can’t do this during the day. I’ve never been one to sit and watch tv during the day. Especially not by myself and especially not when I’m feeling low. The daylight stops me. Maybe I need to get better at that.