You.

You are making me reevaluate my conceptions of relationships every day.

Your mood swings. Your tenacity. Your worries and concerns.

Some say I shouldn’t, but I cope with you. It makes me a better human. You allow me to do my own research on you. To test my theories of human interaction. You smile after an hour of me quietly watching your favourite show with you after you walking out on me in Morrison’s, seeing if letting you cool off brings you back. I am right. You’ve eaten and had a nap. You know you can’t help it and you know what you need to resolve it. You know I know too. You appreciate my calm way with you by offering a spliff and fixing up the bathroom cabinet we bought today.

The fact I haven’t walked out in a huff at your inability to control your emotions, has not gone unnoticed. The relief in your face as you walk in the door and I’m still here. It’s worth it.

You are so damaged. You trust so little. You push people away and then congratulate yourself for being right when they eventually do. I throw you. You respect me because of that. Maybe not all the time. Maybe not every day. Maybe some days you don’t show much respect at all. Especially when you’re tired and hungry and restless and cold and unwell. If it’s just one of the above I might get grumpy but respectful bit if all are in play, you can’t cope.

You are getting help. I am greatful for that. You understand. So now I can understand.

You were horrible again today. You dismissed my decision about fillet steak, tired and hungry you snipped at me. I calmly replied that you were snipping. I’d lit the blue touch paper. I stump you all the time. But when you’re grumpy, you hate it.

You know im right. You know it’s unfair. But you so want to be right in life, you’ve been questioned so long. Nobody had faith in you and you hold great pleasure in your personal victories. You just struggle not to define yourself by them. Then when you fly off the handle at small mistakes you make, people get derailed by your reaction and make it worse. Then you are constantly reinforced that small mistakes cause big problems when in reality the big problem is the reaction to the mistake. That’s where I come in. I’m slowly showing you that your mistakes aren’t so bad by ignoring the outburst and imagining you reacted in a socially acceptable way. Little by little this means they happen less and the repeats of the same mistakes don’t lead to an outburst.

Months ago, id have walked out tonight, gone drinking. Ruined tomorrow. Been annoyed at me, at you. But I haven’t. And an hour later we are back to normal.

I’m not sure if this is forever. But for the moment, we are both trying to make it through life. We are both scared. We are both happy. We are both wanting this. Tomorrow I will be in love again because that’s how you normally make me feel.

Thats a good start.