“you’re too sensitive”

I get told this alot.

It might be right. I always thought I had a strong personality but that I was just perplexed by issues I understand or can see that others don’t, or that others ignore. My brief Google suggests this could be because im sensitive.

Here’s what psychology today think (no I’m not getting paid to put it here, but I do pay them a subscription so may as well put it to some use)

In my personal life this affects my relationships as my partner’s moods put me on edge and I take his stressed comments personally. It also means I am a prime target for someone with a challenging personality, who can’t accommodate well. Because if I didn’t accomodate them, they would be alone and the empathetic part of me cant let that happen. I see the good in a lot of others, probably because I’ve been misunderstood in life and I know what that feels like and this has allowed others to turn around being misunderstood and make positive steps forward.

In my work environment it’s a nightmare because it makes managing me in a challenging environment, difficult. It makes the whole process of career climbing a stressful situation because I’m capable of the jobs at hand and of making a difference, but the career climbing process is so fraught with disparity and discrimination and a large percentage of people seem more able to play the game than actually be worthy. Yet one of the associated traits is the ability to empathise and understand another’s wants and needs. Something quite useful as a teacher. Surprisingly, the Scottish teaching ladder is a beauty pageant mixed with a popularity contest. The people most likely to be successful as teachers these days up here, are not compassionate people who have the ability to understands another’s needs, they are people able to sell themselves as that. I mean, who doesn’t feel put at ease by someone with a unaffected smile, flawless makeup, happy to spend their working day helping children (no matter how much they might not care really) who puts their pay check into their looks and spends their spare time networking with similar minded people.

So my personality traits make me an excellent teacher to the children, but make the stresses of teaching and having to appease different parenting styles and workplace cliques, a strain. They also draw me to challenging characters personally, who others struggle to understand but who force me to accommodate them at the detriment of my own mental health.

Im battered. From both sides. In both areas of my life.

Is it any wonder I am depressed?

Any way out I look, I lose somewhere.

Ive tried avoiding people who have challenging personalities, but unfortunately one of them is my mum. I also found not having any friends like this was a lonely place. I tried just ‘knowing them’, allowing their circles of excitement to include me but not getting involved, but that depressed me too. I felt like I was left out. I got lonely sat on my sofa where the bills were paid and nobody had raised their voice in months.

Ive tried starting a new life from scratch. Three times now, (not including all the mini disappearing acts I’ve done over the years) and each time I find myself drawn to challenging people. Probably because they are often quite exciting and interesting and friendly and eager to be sociable, probably because they need others to validate themselves so they make an effort with newcomers. The quiet ones find me intimidating or find my life too hectic and don’t get too close, forcing me to utilise the outgoing ones for friendship.

Eventually quieter /more level people see me as one of the loud ones and either make me choose between them and the others in dramatic ‘im not friends with them anymore’ fashion thinking that will appeal to me, or simply walk away and stop making an effort. The loud ones who are nice, find me questionable because they see me as too involved with people they don’t trust and don’t make an effort or question how I can be so sensible in some ways but mental in others. Most people who don’t take to me straight away, I’m told, are too intimidated by me so never actually talk to me, just quietly judge, then eventually walk away. The challenging ones see me as someone they can trust because unlike everyone else, I’ve managed to deal with them and I’m still around. Plus their challenges are often built upon deep seated personal issues and chequered pasts and they know it so they see me as an allie because I understand. This in turn makes them more likely to show me their real side – the bit they try to hide from people.

I end up back at square one.

I’ve tried Facebook forums, website forums, self help books and the university of Wikipedia. I’m really at a loss of how I need to manipulate my life to make myself happier.