So it’s been a while since I wrote here. It’s been a while since I felt the need to. Life is going well again. Well as well as can be when I still don’t have a bed to myself or somewhere particularly to call my own. But i have a safe space finally. Somewhere where the key always fits the door and i’m unlikely to be given the third degree for my behaviour. Equally I’m living with people i trust, who aren’t strangers. Much better.
Even if C doesn’t particularly enjoy having someone invade his space almost daily. Don’t think he minds, but then he doesn’t really communicate his feelings that much so I’m not sure he would tell me if he did?
Communication can be overrated. People keep asking me if he’s opened up yet. I hate that. I just enjoy his company. He’s easy to be around for me and he expects very little other than general polite consideration. If you do something resolutely wrong he’s quick to let you know and that’s appreciated. But he doesn’t have unnecessary words. Maybe some emotions to him are simply classed as unnecessary. Either way I’m not here to suddenly be his confidente. I’m here because his family don’t mind and we get on. That’s it. This is no sudden revelation to me.
I think everyone thought we would get together. Honestly? I can’t think further from that right now. Maybe a few months ago I was excited by the prospect of being around him more. I like him. Simple as really. Anything more never really crossed my mind until K made such a big deal about it. But when K and sat down and talked about it I realised many things:
- I don’t want a relationship right now. I have too much else going on. See above comments about living situation
- I’m not ready for a relationship, I can’t seem to stop myself having random sex with people when drunk. That’s no way to enter into anything. Even if the only time I felt like being faithful was when I slept with him months ago – but that could have been lots of emotions at play – don’t want to think about that right now.
- He’s in no position to accommodate anyone into his life like that. He’s struggling with just being an adult himself. I’m not even sure he realises that (not that i’m about to say it’s a bad thing, we all struggle)
- And here’s the big deal breaker altogether: I DON’T THINK HE’S EVEN ATTRACTED TO ME THAT WAY. this is the reason I use whenever anyone asks: “He’s not into me that way”. It’s easier than delving into his personal state of mind or mine with, quite frankly, complete strangers at times. People who seem interested in other peoples relationship status way more than they should be.
Does this stop me liking him as a person? No.
Does this stop me wanting to be around him? No.
Does this stop me continuing to make a friendship work and care about him? No.
See, life doesn’t have to be hard to get through, it’s other people and their emotions that make it harder. We all need friends and people looking out for us and people who will treat us with an element of respect. Which he does. What is wrong with that? Nothing. As long as I have people around me who are like that, then I will be fine. Whatever I decide to do in life with myself and my “relationship” status depend on me not another person. Right now he’s exactly the type of person I want around me.
Now. If only everyone will stop asking questions…. hope hope hope!
FaerieFalls 