Trust

I ran away from home a long time ago. Home wasnt safe. Change that. Home hadn’t kept me safe. I’d been abused by a person near to my family. My family hadn’t kept me safe. On top of that, my mum was a ball of emotional crazy (still is) and my dad avoided having to do anything if he could possibly help it (still does).

From then on I saw my friends as the ones to trust. My life became about me and my friends.

I never trusted myself. My own thoughts were always teetering on the edge of madness and inept social skills. My opinions and feelings changed like day changed to night. Sometimes just as frequently. No. I couldn’t trust myself.

I bought into a relationship that really isn’t built on trust. It’s built on mutual self hatred. Mutual flaws that outshine more so because we just don’t care. It only takes a small flaw to rise to the surface for us to swing from love to hate. No. This relationship can’t be trusted to help.

Doesn’t matter. Always got friends to build me up, right?

I’m not sure when it happened. When I stopped trusting my friends. When I stopped thinking of them as friends and more like parasites. When I started to see them for all their flaws and indignation. For all their drama and their discontent.

I started to realise this was how they saw me too. Began to realise that their opinions of me weren’t so great. I was never someone that people wanted to spend an awful lot of time with. Sometime yes. But a lot? Sober? No. Without the fog of alcohol or drugs I am as flawed as the rest. They don’t fully trust me and now? Now I can’t think of a friend I can fully trust either.

So if I don’t trust my home, my family, my relationship, my friends or myself… Whose left?