Existing

 

Realisation #137… I’ve not really been living.

This clever little life i thought i had, it’s not really a life at all. Existing for 44 weeks of the year and spending the remaining 8 weeks either in scotland living or not in Scotland wishing I was.

I havent touched any drugs in 3 months. Mainly because my other half has hidden them in the cupboard.

I’m beginning to see my life for what it really is: sad.

Im suddenly remembering my first trip to Scotland (before scotland became one big ‘trip’). I didn’t know anyone and C worked in Edinburgh. She didn’t take much time off, and the days she worked, I had to fend for myself. I spent my days doing all i knew to do when in a new place: sight see. I visited Edinburgh twice and saw the castle and the zoo. I walked up through Stirling and up the castle and the wallace monument. I felt so lonely at the time, like i didn’t know what I was doing there. If only i could give some new clean friends down here the same chance. The same attention i gave C.

For the first time in years, Instead of looking for the next time i can get high, im more looking forward to going to the zoo or doing something really fun, enjoying the fresh air.

Can i keep this up? Or will i fold as soon as C can get back on it again? Time will tell. I do know I’m starting to enjoy living a little rather than just existing from one trip session to the next.