Nostalgia

 

I wrote a post about this before. Maybe not on this blog.

I miss having a permanent wild life.

I think back to the times i was happiest. Most of it was college years. Old enough to drink without parents getting at me. Young enough to not have the responsibilities of the world on my shoulders.

Since then, these exciting times have mostly involved nights out with no responsibilities. Nights out with groups of people who all knew each other. We could relive our adventures over and over again because we could talk about them. We had all been involved so we had so many conversations that started “remember when…”

When I was at university i had to start concentrating on my work. I’d lost my driving licence for drink/drug driving, lost a few friends in the process and I was starting to have to take responsibility for my decisions. Friends were having to face up to their bad decisions as well. My best friend died. Another lost his mind. Two girls got pregnant and one became a shadow of himself.

I have realised that it took me a long time to get over it. I had to create a new and safe life for myself. Whilst this was happening, my Scotland friend was having real issues with work and the fun was contained. I didn’t know anybody very well and the friends changed each time I went up so it wasn’t so exciting. Waking up the next day not knowing anyone was not the best feeling.

I had at least 3 years of getting over it. 3 years of terrible depression and anxiety. 3 years of bouncing between blogging incessantly and nights out with which ever friend was available. In this time i had some depressing birthdays spent largely alone. People were happy to let me join in with their lives but not all that bothered about being a part of mine. I was very much alone. Even when I embarked on a relationship twice, i still felt alone. And in mind, I truly was.

By the time i met my current partner and started my current career path, I had made every decision wholey finding happiness in avenues I didn’t usually find amusing. I started to enjoy long walks and early nights and tried to create a life that didn’t involve all of the things I missed. I started to listen to music that didn’t make me want to kill myself. I started to keep my strange thoughts and opinions to myself. More concerned about appearing normal. I started to enjoy my own company. Then Scotland came to life.

All of a sudden, all the things I missed were accessible again.

I don’t mean drugs. I’d always had access to drugs. I’d always taken drugs. I enjoyed the nights out but that’s all they were.

The things i missed were the friendships. I suddenly became part of a group of friends. People who all went out together, liked each other etc. I started listening to music again, because they had the same taste in music and fashion and opinions on life. I started opening up the doors to my strange opinions and finding people had them too, no matter how wrong they were! And this time, the people I was talking to had jobs and lives.

That was 2 and a half years ago. 2 and a half years I’ve lived what I fondly describe as ‘two lives’.

Now do you see why I have to make a decision? I could forget about Scotland, go through that nostalgia depression again. It would take time but in that time I would have a partner and keep my life moving in other ways. Or I could chose Scotland. Leave this pleasant life behind. Go and enjoy the fun times full time.

But there’s no guarantee on that life staying. What happens when my Scotland life comes to an end, as invariably it will. People who engage in full time partying can’t keep it up forever. They either choose a more sensible life or they lose their mind. I’ve seen it happen.

Also, I couldn’t bring a child up in that life. Poor child. And I quite want to be a mum. None of the Scotland lot would parent the way I would want whereas my partner down here does. But then he doesn’t do drugs. Barely drinks and doesn’t have any friends.

So there we go. My latest analysis of the turmoil inside my head. Probably the most sensible analysis. Maybe because I’m sober as a judge, maybe because I have a clear head from lack of antidepressants. Either way, nostalgia will be the hardest hit. At some point I will have to feel it again. Until then, this limbo like depression is starting to feel like the norm.