And this is why I am in the relationship I am. Not for lust. But for friendship. Not for love but for respect and practical reasons like money and support and fatherly qualities. My partner is close to what one would expect to be the perfect partner. And for the exact same reasons, he is with me. I harbour no disillusions that my lovely partner is fond of me for practical reasons rather than lust. Both he and I (separately) found ourselves at a crossroads 3 years ago… Hence deciding (separately) to engage in a relationship of the mind and all of the practical reasons aforementioned.
I love a man. I have experienced many things with this man. But he is not going to be the man I marry. He is not going to be the man I have children with.
He is the heart thumping, groin aching love and lust of my life.
And this is not one of those ‘i can’t have him’ situations. I could have him. Again. We are sexually compatible. I know this. I know this very well. The memory of that night will stay with me forever. And him. I know this. We have talked about it.
We are not emotionally suitable. we would ruin each other. We would be the death of each other. Admittedly we would both die crash landing into our graves the way everyone fantasizes they will. But is that the way I actually want to die?
I want to be a mum. I want a house with carpets and sofas that match the curtains. I want a tea set and fine wine and all of those adult things. I don’t want them right now, but one day. If I went with the one I lust after, there would be no going back, I’d never do those adult things. I would stay in self induced kidulthood for the rest of my life. A different lifestyle entirely.
So I made a sensible choice. Not to trust my heart and my urges.
Because love in the lustful sense is blind. And my life is too precious to close doors deliberately.
FaerieFalls 